Not sure if disillusioned is the right word. According to the Apple Dictionary, disillusion means “disappointment resulting from the discovery that something is not as good as one believed”.
I don’t think it’s disappointment I’m feeling. Searching deeper, according to the Apple Thesaurus, disillusion has a similar meaning to “disenchanted, disabused, disappointed, let down, discouraged”.
Discouraged, yes, but that’s only part of it, although, that idea fits. Disabused, absolutely not. Let down? Maybe. Disenchanted sounds promising. The same source as above defines disenchanted as “free (someone) from illusion”. Hmm, getting closer, and the idea of ‘ignorance is bliss’ comes to mind. The origin of the word is basically the reversal of enchantment. Interesting thought. Thinking backwards helps to get closer.
The thesaurus, once again, helps to focus the flavour in my mind, suggesting that “fed up, dissatisfied, discontented; cynical, soured” hold similar meanings as disenchanted. The fed up, dissatisfied, discontented all fit. Cynical, I hope not, and upon inspecting the definition of the word, thankfully not. Soured, no. But that makes me think of people in the job too long, unhappy with the job to long. Soured describes them well.
After all that, still not sure how I feel. Now that the first school year since completing my masters degree is nearing the end, what is this state of mind that I’m in? I don’t recognize it, it’s new. It has settled in, I think, as a result of the masters learning. It creeps in, despite the fact that I still love working with students in the classroom each day, enjoy helping them, teaching them, learning alongside them. I take comfort in that. I do enjoy the kids and the learning.
So why do I feel so apprehensive of this new mindset? And what does it mean for me, my students, my future students, the career I love and feel so ‘right’ in?
Image by gingisklown and accessed from Flickr.